Monday, May 6

Friends and people  around me have been getting themselves a partner -- whether they're long-time ones, kinda-serious types or flings.  Which best explains why there are times they look  so down and grumpy and as a good friend, you ask them what's wrong and they tell you  it's the love of their life. Oooops. And there were also numerous times when they ask for your opinion on what's best to do in this and that situation and as  a friend, you cannot ignore them hence regardless of whether or not you have an experience in having relationships, being in love the least, you give them the answer that they need; well, if that'd be really helpful?

But what about this time, when I need someone to talk this with, I cannot find anyone who could be my rescue.Well, not that I am  already sure of things already. So  it's on a time like this that I really am thankful for blogs and diaries.

How do you know when you are in love?

Is it when you cannot stop thinking about that person that even in your dreams, he/she haunts you still?

Is it when you feel embarrassed thinking of all the stupid things and mistakes you committed when he/she was watching you that you just want to hide and be swallowed by the ground?

Is it the unstoppable and inevitable longing you have for him, so intense that you try to ignore and not think of it?

Is it when you over-think things and start daydreaming about the places you'd go together and the different stuff lover would be doing if you are to be together in the future -- is he/she the sweet and showy  type or someone who likes to be all over you when you are alone.

Or perhaps is it when you cannot stop yourself from blogging about it when it's supposed to be nothing but a feeble crush but the urge is so extreme you find yourself giving in?

Nope, this could be nothing more than a simple, foolish crush that will wear off like what most high schoolers experience.

Only that, I am not a highschool student anymore. And he has not a single idea about it.

And I  should know better. This would not work out in anyway possible. Hence I really am thankful for distractions because they really a big help to suppress and refrain myself from having any thought about him.

This. Has. To. Stop.

Thanks, blogger.

Friday, May 3


Alright. The thing is, I guess I am starting to get stressed and undoubtedly confused about specific matters in my life. Not that I haven't seen this coming before, but not this hard and uncertain. Not up to this extent.

Let us start with the matter of me getting a job. Now I fully understood why friends back then when I was studying and craving for freedom and wanting to get a job before told me that they would rather prefer being a student again than working; and I was like what the hell wouldn't you like about having a job when it meant buying whatever you want whenever you feel like it, going out with friends and getting wasted (well, not really) or for me, buying myself and treating friends or family to Korean food like how my Kpop unnies do. What's there to dislike?

But then it sank in. Today, yesterday, or days ago up to this day, I couldn't remember. But one thing's for sure: I realised how heavy the responsibility is. Starting off with finding the job; just  how hard and laborious could this get and the fact that all the people around who- mostly classmates and batchmates are getting hired and getting in good schools which meant working with great people which also basically means good money and training. Whilst me, where do I stand in all of this? Mind you though, I feel authentically happy for them because they deserve what they got; it isn't easy getting a job and pushing your luck at different circumstances before clinching it finally. For what they have been through, it must be a precious price.
But then again, I do not want to do teaching. Ooops! Wouldn't dwell on that.

So that puts me in a very odd situation. What kind of job to get? Hmmm. So long that it pays good and is morally upright, then, why not? HOHOHO, kidding!

And then there's the time. Some have plentiful of it; and I am wallowing on the amount of time in my hands when I also know that I shouldn't have the luxury of it; I should be doing something other than staying at home, lurking and being unproductive.

How about confidence? I don't have much of that, to say the least. I have this pre-judgement in my mind that in whatever kind of job or company or (school) I will apply at, I would definitely fail. Pretty negative, aren't  I?

There's also the fact that I am the eldest among the four spawns so that saddles me further , not to mention my father giving hints that he needs help in sustaining the household and all plus that fact the he already wants to retire blah blah blah.

And I suddenly wished I could be  a  student all over again.